The new and improved chimaera comedy spot

[Starko]

[quote:200bf]
Three men stand before St. Peter awaiting admission into Heaven. However, St. Peter has been informed that Heaven will only admit 33% of applicants today. The admissions standard: Who died the worst death?

So, St. Peter takes each of the three men aside in turn and asks them about how they died.

First man: "I'd been suspecting for a long time that my wife was cheating on me. I decided to come home early from work one afternoon and check to see if I could catch her in the act. When I got back to my apartment, I heard the water running. My wife was in the shower. I looked everywhere for the guy, but couldn't find anyone or any trace that he had been there. The last place I looked was out on the balcony.

I found the bastard hanging from the edge, trying to get back in! So I started jumping up and down on his hands, and he yelled, but he didn't fall. So I ran inside and got a hammer, and crushed his fingers with it until he fell twenty-five floors screaming in agony. But the fall didn't kill the asshole. He landed in some bushes! So I dragged the refrigerator from the kitchen (it weighed about a ton), pulled it to the balcony, and hurled it over the edge. It landed right on the guy and killed him. But then I felt so horrible about what I had done, I went back into the bedroom and shot myself."

St. Peter nodded slowly as the man recounted the story. Then, telling the first man to wait, he took the second aside.

Second man: "I lived on the twenty-seventh floor of this apartment building. I had just purchased this book on morning exercises and was practicing them on my balcony, enjoying the sunshine, when I lost my balance and fell off the edge. Luckily, I only fell about two floors before grabbing another balcony and holding on for dear life. I was trying to pull myself up when this guy came running onto what must have been his balcony and started jumping up and down on my hands. I screamed in pain, but he seemed really irate.

When he finally stopped, I tried to pull myself up again, but he came out with a hammer and smashed my fingers to a pulp! I fell, and I thought I was dead, but I landed in some bushes. I couldn't believe my second stroke of luck, but it didn't last. The last thing I saw was this enormous refrigerator falling from the building down on top of me and crushing me."

St. Peter comforted the man, who seemed to have several broken bones. Then he told him to wait, and turned to the third man.

Third man: "Picture this. You're hiding, naked, in a refrigerator..."
[/quote:200bf]

[Agi'nor]

[b][Anyone who is a parent will get it, anyone who is going to be should try even half of it!!!

The String Bag & Octopus Guide to Parenthood

Women: to prepare for pregnancy, put on a dressing gown and stick a
big bean-bag down the front. Leave it there for nine months. After nine
months take out 10% of the beans...

Men: prepare for paternity - go down to the local chemist, tip the
contents of your wallet on the counter and tell the pharmacist to help himself.
Then go to the supermarket and arrange to have your wages paid
directly to head office. Go home, pick up the paper and read it for the
last time.

Both:
1. Before you finally go ahead and have children, find a couple who
are already parents and berate them about their methods of discipline,
lack of patience, appallingly low tolerance levels and how they have allowed
their children to run riot. Suggest ways in which they might improve
their child's sleeping habits, toilet training, table manners and overall
behaviour. Enjoy it - it'll be the last time in your life that you have
all the answers.

2. To discover how the nights will feel, walk around the living room
from 5pm til 10pm carrying a wet bag weighing approximately 9-12lb. At
about 10pm put the bag down, set the alarm for midnight and go to sleep. Get
up at 12 and walk around the living room again, with the bag, until 1am. Put
the alarm on for 3am. As you can't get back to sleep, get up at 2am. Sing
songs in the dark until 4am. Put the alarm on for 5am. Get up, make breakfast.
Keep this up for five years. Look cheerful.

3. Can you stand the mess that children make? To find out, first smear
Marmite onto the sofa and jam on the curtains. Hide a fishfinger behind
the stereo and leave it there all summer. Stick your fingers in the flower
beds, then rub them on the walls. Cover the stains with crayons. How
does it look?

4. Dressing small children is not as easy as it looks. Buy an octopus
and a string bag. Attempt to put the octopus in the string bag so that none of
the arms hang out. Time allowed for this - all morning.

5. Take an egg carton. Using a pair of scissors and a pot of paint,
turn it into an alligator. Now take a toilet roll tube. Using only
Copydex and a piece of foil, make a Christmas cracker. Last take a milk
container, a ping-pong ball and an empty packet of Cocopops and make a replica of
the Eiffel Tower . Congratulations, you've just qualified for the Play
Group Committee.

6. Forget the BMW Z3 and buy a Mondeo. Don't think that you can
leave it on the drive spotless and shining. Family cars don't look like
that. Buy a choc-ice, put it in the glove compartment and leave it
there. Get a 20p piece and stick it in the CD player. Take a family-sized
packet of chocolate biscuits and mash them down the back seats. Run a garden rake
along both sides of the car. There perfect!

7. Get ready to go out. Wait outside the loo for half an hour. Go out of
the front door, come in again, go out, come back in, go out. Walk down the
path, walk back up it, walk down it again. Walk very slowly down
the road for five minutes. Stop to inspect every cigarette end, piece of
used chewing gum, dirty tissue and dead insect along the way. Retrace
your steps. Scream that you have had about as much as you can take until the
neighbours come out and stare at you. Give up and go back into the
house. Do it all again later. You are now just about ready to take a
small child for a walk.

8. Always repeat everything you say five times.

9. Go to your local supermarket. Take with you the nearest thing you
find to a pre-school child - a fully grown goat is excellent. If you intend to
have more than one child, take more than one goat. Buy your weeks groceries
without letting the goats out of your sight. Pay for everything that the
goats eat or destroy. Until you can easily accomplish this, do not
consider having children.

10. Hollow out a melon, make a small hole in the side. Suspend it from
the ceiling and swing it from side to side. Now get a soggy Weetabix and
attempt to spoon it into the swinging melon by pretending to be an aeroplane.
Balance a spoon and a cup on top of the melon and every time either one
falls off you must stop spooning in the Weetabix and try and balance
them on top again within 5 seconds. Continue until half the Weetabix has gone.
Tip the rest into your lap, making sure a lot of it falls onto the floor.
You are now ready to feed a 12 month old baby.

11. Learn the names of every character from the Teletubbies, Postman
Pat and the Tweenies. When you find yourself singing 'The Wheels on the
Bus' at work, you finally qualify as a parent.
/b]

[Cieto]

Little johnny couldn't sleep one night. He walked into his parents room and found his mother bouncing up and down on top of his dad. Horrified he ran downstairs to the kitchen. His mother was mortified and got quickly out of bed and throwing on a dressing gown ran downstair to her son. She tried to explain what had happened by saying

'I was just trying to remove your daddy's beer belly by bouncing up and down on it'

To which little Johnny replied

'You're wasting your time, everytime you go to the shops the woman from next door comes round and blows it back up again!'

[Starko]

Jack wakes up with a huge hangover after attending his company's Christmas Party. Jack is not normally a drinker, but the drinks didn't taste like alcohol at all. He didn't even remember how he got home from the party. As bad as he was feeling, he wondered if he did something wrong.

Jack had to force himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins next to a glass of water on the side table. And, next to them, a single red rose! Jack sits up and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed. He looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotlessly clean. So is the rest of the house.

He takes the aspirins, cringes when he sees a huge black eye staring back at him in the bathroom mirror. Then he notices a note hanging on the corner of the mirror written in red with little hearts on it and a kiss mark from his wife in lipstick: "Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to get groceries to make you your favorite dinner tonight. I love you, darling! Love, Jillian"

He stumbles to the kitchen and sure enough, there is hot breakfast, steaming hot coffee and the morning newspaper. His son is also at the table, eating. Jack asks, "Son...what happened last night?"

"Well, you came home after 3 A.M. , drunk and out of your mind. You fell over the coffee table and broke it, and then you puked in the hallway, and got that black eye when you ran into the door. Confused, he asked his son, "So, why is everything in such perfect order and so clean? I have a rose, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me??"

His son replies, "Oh THAT!... Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your pants off, you screamed, "Leave me alone, I'm married!!"

[Zadokk]

A classic, Starko.

[Starko]

A husband and wife were sharing a bottle of wine when the husband said, “I bet you can't tell me something that will make me happy and sad at the same time".

The wife thought for a few moments, then said, "Your dick's bigger than your brother's".

[Marc]

<!-- m --><a href="http://youtube.com/watch?v=19tKOFR1Reo">http://youtube.com/watch?v=19tKOFR1Reo</a><!-- m --> Monkey dust ftw rofl

[Starko]

Hillary Clinton and Janet Reno were having one of those girl-to-girl talks, and Hillary said to Janet, &quot;You're lucky that you don't have to put up with men having sex with you. I have to put up with Bill, and there is no telling where he last had his pecker.&quot;

Janet responded, &quot;Just because I am aesthetically challenged (that's &quot;politically correct&quot; for ugly) doesn't mean I don't have to fight off unwelcome sexual advances.&quot;

Hillary asked, &quot;Well, how do you deal with the problem?&quot;

&quot;Whenever I feel that a guy is getting ready to make a pass at me, I muster all my might and squeeze out the loudest, nastiest fart that I can!&quot;

That night, Bill was already in bed with the lights out when Hillary slipped into bed. She could hear him start to stir, and knew that he would be wanting some action. She had been saving her farts all day, and she was ready for him! She tensed up her butt cheeks and forced out the most disgusting sounding fart you could imagine. Bill rolled over and asked, &quot;Janet, is that you...?&quot;

[Starko]

I don't how many of you shop at Tesco (UK), but this may be useful to know.

I am sending this to you to warn you of something that happened to me, as I have become a victim of a clever scam while out shopping.

This happened to me at Tesco and it could happen to you. Here's how the scam works:

Two seriously good-looking 18-year-old girls come over to your car as you are packing your shopping in the boot. They both start wiping your windscreen with a rag and Windolene, with their breasts almost falling out of their skimpy t-shirts. It is impossible not to look.

When you thank them and offer them a tip, they say 'No' and instead ask you for a ride to another Tesco. You agree and they get in the back seat. On the way, they start having sex with each other. Then one of them climbs over into the front seat and performs oral sex on you, while the other one steals your wallet.

I had my wallet stolen last Tuesday, Wednesday, twice on Thursday, again on Saturday, and also yesterday and probably tonight.

[Agi'nor]

[b:476ed]Guy is driving around Tennessee and he sees a sign in front of a house: &quot;Talking Dog For Sale.&quot; He rings the bell and the owner tells him the dog is in the backyard.

The guy goes into the backyard and sees a Labrador Retriever sitting there.

&quot;You talk?&quot; he asks.

&quot;Yep,&quot; the Lab replies.

&quot;So, what's your story?&quot;

The Lab looks up and says,

&quot;Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA about my gift, and in no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running.&quot;

&quot;But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security wandering near suspicious characters and listening in.&quot;

&quot;I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals. I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired.&quot;

The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.

&quot;Ten dollars,&quot; the guy says.

&quot;Ten dollars? This dog is amazing. Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?&quot;

&quot;Because he's a liar. He never did any of that shit.&quot;
[/b:476ed]

[Starko]

A U.S marine who was stationed in Iraq recieved a letter from his girlfriend one day. The letter read, &quot;Dear John, I'm very sorry but I'm afraid I can't allow our relationship to continue. We've been apart for so long and I can't bear it any longer. I admit that I've already cheated on you twice while you've been away, this relationship cannot work. Please return the picture of me that I sent to you. Goodbye.&quot;

The guy was so hurt and angry that he asked all his mates for pictures of their girlfriends. He managed to get 52 in total. He sent them all back to his girlfriend with this letter, &quot;Dear Becky, I can't quite remember who you are so please pick your picture from the ones enclosed and send the rest back to me, thanks.&quot;

[Katherina]

A young man asks his granny: Have you seen my pills, the ones i left on the table? They were labeled &quot;exxtasy&quot;...

Granny: Fuck the pills, man... Have you seen the dragon in the kitchen?

[Agi'nor]

[b:f8b09]John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said, &quot;Here's to spending the rest of me life! Between the legs of me wife!&quot;

That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night!

He went home and told his wife, Mary, &quot;I won the prize for the Best Toast of the night&quot;

She said, &quot;Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast?&quot;

John said, &quot;Here's to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church beside me wife.&quot;

&quot;Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!&quot; Mary said.

The next day, Mary ran into one of John's drinking buddies on the street corner.

The man chuckled leeringly and said, &quot;John won the prize the other night at the pub with a toast about you, Mary.&quot;

She said, &quot;Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised myself. You know, he's only been there twice in the last four years. Once he fell asleep, and the other time I had to pull him by the ears to make him come.&quot;[/b:f8b09]

[Agi'nor]

[b:1fcc1]A senior citizen drove his brand new M3 convertible out of
the car salesroom. Taking off down the motorway, he floored it to 90
mph, enjoying the wind blowing through what little hair he had left.
&quot;Amazing!&quot; he thought as he flew down the M40, enjoying pushing the
pedal to the metal even more. Looking in his rear view mirror, he saw a
police car behind him, Blue lights flashing and siren blaring.

&quot;I can get away from him - no problem!&quot; thought the elderly nutcase as
he Floored it to 110, then 120, then 130mph. Suddenly, he thought, &quot;What
on Earth am I doing? I'm too old for this nonsense!&quot; So he pulled over
to the side of the road and waited for the police car to catch up with
him.

Pulling in behind him, the police officer walked up to the driver's side
of the BMW, looked at his watch and said, &quot;Sir, my shift ends in 10
minutes. Today is Friday and I'm taking off for the weekend. If you can
give me a reason why you were speeding that I've never heard before,
I'll let you go.&quot;

The man, looked very seriously at the policeman, and replied, &quot;Years
ago, my wife ran off with a policeman. I thought you were bringing her
back.&quot;

&quot;Have a good day, Sir,&quot; said the policeman
[/b:1fcc1]

[Zadokk]

Have you heard about those new Korean meatballs?
They truly are the dog's bollocks

[Starko]

A doctor in Newfoundland wanted to get off work and go hunting, so he approached his assistant.

&quot;Garge, I'm going hunting tomorrow and don't want to close the clinic. I want you to take care of the clinic and take care of all of our patients.&quot;

&quot;Yes, Sir!&quot; answers Garge.

The doctor goes hunting and returns the following day and asks: &quot;So Garge, How was your day?&quot;

Garge told him that he took care of three patients. &quot;The first one had a headache so I gave him Tylenol.&quot;

&quot;Bravo Mate, and the second one?&quot; Asks the doctor.

&quot;The Second one had stomach burning and I gave him Maalox, sir&quot; says Garge.

&quot;Bravo, bravo! You're good at this and what about the third one?&quot; asks the doctor.

&quot;Sir, I was sitting here and suddenly the door opens and a woman enters. Like a flame she undresses herself, taking off everything including her bra and panties and lies down on the table, spreading her legs and shouts: &quot;HELP ME! For five years I have not seen a man!&quot;

&quot;And what did you do Garge?&quot; asks the doctor.

&quot;I put drops in her eyes&quot;

[Agi'nor]

A woman pregnant with triplets was walking down the street when a masked robber ran out of a bank and shot her three times in the stomach. Luckily the babies were OK.

The surgeon decided to leave the bullets in because it was too risky to operate.

She gave birth to two healthy daughters and a healthy son.

All was fine for 16 years, and then one daughter walked into the room in tears.

'What's wrong?' asked the mother. 'I was taking a tinkle and this bullet came out,' replied the daughter.

The mother told her it was okay and explained what happened 16 years ago.

About a week later the second daughter walked into the room in tears. 'Mom, I was taking a tinkle and this bullet came out.'

Again the mother told her not to worry and explained what happened 16 years ago.

A week later her son walked into the room in tears.

'It's okay' said the Mum, 'I know what happened. You were taking a tinkle and a bullet came out.'

'No,' said the boy

'I was playing with myself and I shot the dog.'

[Starko]

haha agi, always good :D

Lil' Johnny goes to his dad and asks, "What is politics?" Dad says, "Well son, let me try to explain it this way. I'm the breadwinner of the family, so let's call me Capitalism. Mommy is the administrator of the money, so we'll call her the Government. We're here to take care of your needs, so we'll call you The People. The nanny, well, consider her The Working Class. Your baby brother, we'll call him The Future. Now go think about this and see if it makes sense."
So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what Dad has said. Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying and runs to his room only to find that his diapers are very soiled. So the little boy goes to his parents' room. Mom is sound asleep.
Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room. Finding the door locked, he looks through the peephole and sees his father in bed with the nanny. He gives up and goes back to bed.
The next morning, the little boy says to his father, "Dad, I think I understand what politics is now."
"Good son, tell me in your own words then what politics are."
The little boy replies, "Well, while Capitalism is screwing the Working Class, the Government is sound asleep, the People are being ignored and the Future is in deep shit."

[Vlassili]

In the beginning there was a plan. Then came the assumptions. The plan was without substance. The assumptions were without form. Darkness was upon the face of the workers.
And they spoke amongst themselves saying: "It is a crock of shit and it stinketh!"
And the workers went unto their Supervisors and said: "It is a pail of dung and none may abide the odour thereof!"
And the Supervisors went unto their Managers saying: "It is a container of excrement and it is very strong, Such that none may abide by it!"
And the Managers went unto the Management Committee saying: "It is a vessel of fertilizer and none may abide its strength!"
And the Management Committee spoke amongst itself saying unto one another: "It contains that which aids plant growth and it is very strong!"
And the Management Committee gave counsel unto the Vice Presidents saying unto them: "It promotes growth and it is very powerful!"
And the Vice Presidents went unto the President saying unto him: "This new plan will activily promote the growth and vigour of the company with powerful effects!"
And the President looked upon the plan and saw that it was good. And so the plan became policy.

And that's how shit happens.

[Marc]

What's a good indication that you have a good sperm count?
She has to chew before she swallows.

[Marc]

How did the priest know the nun was on the rag?
He tasted blood on the altar boy's cock.

[Marc]

A guy meets a girl in a bar and they go back to her apartment. They go into her bedroom, and from left to right, floor to ceiling, there's a whole wall full of fluffy toys. Floor to ceiling, side to side, fluffy toys. He fucks her.
They get done, and he says, "How was I?"
She says, "Take anything from the bottom shelf."

[Marc]

http://www.dead-frog.com/aristocrats/joke.php?id=365 <-- to rude to copy and paste it here :P

[Starko]

A little blind girl goes up to her mum and says, "Mummy, mummy, when will I be able to see?" Her mum replies "I'll tell you what, I'll take you to the chemist and get you some special cream for your eyes and you will be able to see in the morning."

So off they went to the chemist, got the cream, and went home, all the while the little girl was getting more and more excited at the prospect of being able to see again. Once they got home, the mother put the cream on the little girls eyes, wrapped a bandage around her head, and took her to bed.

The following morning the little girl stumbled into her mums bedroom and excitedly shouted "Quick mummy, take off the bandage so that i will be able to see again."

So the mother slowly took of all the bandages, taking her time, and all the while the little girl was getting more and more excited. Once they were off the little girl said "But mummy, I still can't see." To which the mother replied, "April fools!"

[Starko]

http://www.dead-frog.com/aristocrats/joke.php?id=365 <-- to rude to copy and paste it here :P

there are so many versions of that joke its just insane :p

[Agi'nor]

TOMCAT wrote:

A little boy walks into his parents' room to see his mom on top of
his dad bouncing up and down. the mom sees her son and quickly dismounts,
worried about what her son has seen. She dresses quickly and goes to
find him.

The son sees his mom and asks, "What were you and Dad doing?"

The mother replies, "Well, you know your dad has a big tummy and
sometimes I have to get on top of it and help flatten it."

"You're wasting your time," said the boy.

"Why is that?" the mom asked puzzled.

"Well when you go shopping the lady next door comes over and gets on
her knees and blows it right back up."

Agi'nated©

[Starko]

10) "What the fuck was that?" - Mayor of Hiroshima
9) "Where did all these fucking Indians come from?" - Custer
8) "Any fucking idiot could understand that." - Einstein
7) "It does SO fucking look like her!" - Picasso
6) "How the fuck did you work that out?" - Pythagoras
5) "You want WHAT on the fucking ceiling?" - Michelangelo
4) "I don't suppose it's gonna fucking rain." - Joan of Arc
3) "Scattered fucking showers, my ass!" - Noah
2) "I need this parade like I need a fucking hole in my head!" - JFK
1) "Aw, c'mon, who the fuck is gonna to find out?" - Bill Clinton

[Snack]

10) "What the fuck was that?" - Mayor of Hiroshima
9) "Where did all these fucking Indians come from?" - Custer
8) "Any fucking idiot could understand that." - Einstein
7) "It does SO fucking look like her!" - Picasso
6) "How the fuck did you work that out?" - Pythagoras
5) "You want WHAT on the fucking ceiling?" - Michelangelo
4) "I don't suppose it's gonna fucking rain." - Joan of Arc
3) "Scattered fucking showers, my ass!" - Noah
2) "I need this parade like I need a fucking hole in my head!" - JFK
1) "Aw, c'mon, who the fuck is gonna to find out?" - Bill Clinton




11) "I'm very very CROSS at the moment..." Jesus

[tomcat]

It's a very sad world we live in when Sir Paul McCartney and his wife are facing divorce and all anyone seems to want to do is make jokes about her false leg. Personally, I think it's prosthetic.

News reports have confirmed that Paul McCartney has separated from his wife Heather Mills-McCartney. Mrs Mills-McCartney is said to be distraught over the split. "He has been my crutch for so long!" She said in an earlier briefing, "I have no idea why this has happened, I'm really stumped"

"She's running around in circles", according to a close friend, "she will need all the support she can get. It's not like its easy to walk out on a relationship like this"

After his break up with Heather, Paul was asked if he would ever consider going down on one knee again. Paul said he would prefer it if we called her Heather.

It is not known whether a pre-nuptial agreement was signed prior to the marriage. Paul McCartney is one of the richest men in the world, and if an agreement has been signed it is believed that she won't have a leg to stand on.

Rumours abound over the split which have suggested that infidelity may have been the cause. "She's terrible" a source stated, "always trying to get her leg over".

Another source has suggested that her battle with alcoholism was the cause. "Macca couldn't handle it anymore" a friend said, "he would get home at night and find her legless"

Many have attributed this to a problem which started with the present that Paul bought her prior to the wedding. He gave her a new prosthetic leg for Christmas but that was just a stocking-filler.


A miner in Africa has an accident and loses a leg. He says to his mate "I'm f---ed, who will want a one legged gold digger?" His mate says, "try Paul McCartney" Finally a poem by Sir Paul McCartney:
I lay upon a grassy bank
My hands were all a quiver
I slowly removed her suspender belt and her leg fell in the river
These jokes are funny but let's spare a thought for Paul please. Now she has left him, he's going to struggle to find another woman who can fill her shoe.
Sir Paul offered the gold-digging b*tch a £20,000,000 settlement. Her lawyer advised her to take the money and run. She tried... and fell over.:D :D :D :D :D :D

[Agi'nor]

A nurse walks into a bank.

Preparing to write a cheque, she pulls rectal thermometer out of her bag and tries to write with it.

She looks at the flabbergasted clerk and without missing a beat says,

"Well, that's great..........

that's really great..........













Some arsehole has got my pen.

[Dalif]

That reminds me; I walked into a bar the other day... 14 stitches... couldn't believe it.

[Starko]

/hang_head_in_shame

[Vlassili]

So a baby seal walks into a club...

-flees-

[Jof]

Did he dance?




A dyslexic man walks into a bra.

[Agi'nor]

During a visit to a mental asylum, a visitor asked the Director what the criterion was which defined whether or not a patient should be institutionalized.


"Well," said the Director, "we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon,a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub."

"Oh, I understand!", said the visitor. "A normal person would use the bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup."



















"No." said the Director, "A normal person would pull the plug. Do you want a bed near a window?"

[Jof]

What do you tell a woman with two black eyes?













Nohing....you've already told her twice.

[Starko]

haha

if we are onto sexist jokes

why do women have smaller feet.

so they can stand closer to the sink.

:( i am ashamed.

[Marc]

why do women have legs? ... have you seen the mess slugs make? :O

[Zadokk]

Yeah, no more sexist jokes m'kay?

[Marc]

aaww no fun :(

[Zadokk]

Sorry to be the bad guy.

[Starko]

for once i do agree that you have a point zadokk :D

[Zadokk]

Next sexist joke gets a ban :)

[Stig]

Dont want this post to be misconstrued as being a smartarse so dont think it is, but if i were to have a vagina between my legs instead of a weewee and i made a derogatory joke about a guy, would i get teh ban?

ooohhh err as for a joke, well there was an episode of family guy where a monkey falls on the mayor of hiroshimas head, look it up its funny, cant remember the name of the episode though

[Zadokk]

I'll make a reply but if you want to continue the discussion then we should discuss it in a separate thread. I will say this: I don't believe in absolutism. I don't see things as either black or white; there is a lot of grey area that is difficult to navigate and it becomes easy to blame each other and cause conflict.

I let a few jokes about women pass because making a bit of fun out of stereotypes is fun because it breaks down walls. I expect people who dish out jokes about other people to be able to take them back as well. Women are a minority here and so poking fun at people who are small in their number would present a very unwelcoming feel to this forum and that's just not right.

In my opinion, if a woman wants to come on here with some jokes about men then I would love to hear them as I don't know that many women who are confident enough to say them to me, but that's just my experience. So we've had a bit of fun at the expense of women but all I'm saying is that we should move on before we end up scaring off all the women. Do you guys want this place to be a sausage factory? So have fun but don't embarrass yourselves and us by taking it too far.

[Starko]

So we've had a bit of fun at the expense of women but all I'm saying is that we should move on before we end up scaring off all the women. Do you guys want this place to be a sausage factory? So have fun but don't embarrass yourselves and us by taking it too far.

95% of it already is, hehehehe.

but yea, good points

[Agi'nor]

A huge muscular man walks into a pub and orders a beer. The barman hands him the beer and says, "You know, I'm not gay but I want to compliment you on your physique, it really is phenomenal! I have a question though, why is your head so small?"

The big guy nods slowly. He's obviously fielded this question many times.

"One day," he begins, "I was hunting when I got lost in the woods. I heard someone crying for help and finally realized that it was coming from a frog sitting next to a stream."

So I picked up the frog and it said, "Kiss me. Kiss me and I will turn into a genie and grant you three wishes."

So I looked around to make sure I was alone and gave the frog a kiss. POOF! The frog turned into a beautiful, voluptuous, naked woman.

She said, "You now have three wishes."

I looked down at my scrawny body and said, "I want a body better than Arnold Schwarzenegger in his prime."

She nodded, whispered a spell, and POOF! There I was, so huge that I ripped out of my clothes and was standing there naked!

She then asked, "What will be your second wish?"

I looked hungrily at her beautiful body and replied, "I want to make sensuous love with you here by this stream." She nodded, lay down, held her arms out to me and we made mad passionate love!

Later, as we lay there next to each other, sweating from our glorious lovemaking, she whispered into my ear, "You know, you do have one more wish darling, what will it be?"

I looked in her loving eyes and replied, "How about a little head?"

[Starko]

haha, very good XD

[Agi'nor]

Three men had a very late night drinking Guiness.
They left in the early morning hours and each went to their home. The next day, they all met for an early pint, and compared notes about who was drunker the night before.

The first guy claims that he was the drunkest, saying, "I drove straight home and walked into the house. As soon as I got through the door, I blew chunks."

The second guy said, "You think that was drunk? Hell, I got into my car and wrapped it around the first tree I saw. And I don't even have insurance!"

The third guy proclaimed, "Damn, I was the drunkest by far. When I got home, I got into a big fight with my wife, knocked a candle over, and burned the whole house down!"

The room was silent for a moment.
Then, the first guy spoke out again, "Listen, guys, I don't think you understand...

Chunks is my dog."

[Marc]

bill bailey: "have you heard KKKs new stance on the eco system, keep the artic white!" :o

[tomcat]

The following short quiz consists of 4 questions and will tell you whether you are qualified to be a professional. Scroll down for each answer. The questions are NOT that difficult. But don't scroll down UNTIL you have answered the question!

1. How do you put a giraffe into a refrigerator?





The correct answer is: Open the refrigerator, put the giraffe in, and close the door. This question tests whether you tend to do simple things in an overly complicated way.


2. How do you put an elephant into a refrigerator?














Did you say, "Open the refrigerator, put the elephant in, and close the refrigerator?"

Wrong Answer.

Correct Answer: Open the refrigerator, take out the giraffe, put in the elephant and close the door. This tests your ability to think through the repercussions of your previous actions.


3. The Lion King is hosting an Animal Conference. All the animals attend, except one. Which animal does not attend?














Correct Answer: The Elephant. He's in the refrigerator. You just put him there. This tests your memory.
Okay, even if you did not answer the first three questions correctly, you still have one more chance to show your true abilities.

4. There is a river you must cross but it is used by crocodiles and you do not have a boat. How do you manage it?














Correct Answer: You jump into the river and swim across. Have you not been listening? All the crocodiles are attending the Animal Conference. This tests whether you learn quickly from your mistakes.


According to Anderson Consulting Worldwide, around 90% of the professionals they tested got all questions wrong, but many preschoolers got several correct answers. Anderson Consulting says this conclusively disproves the theory that most professionals have the brains of a four-year-old.

[Starko]

haha, very nice :D

[Agi'nor]

A woman wanted to spice up her sex life so went to a sex shop and bough some crotchless knickers.

When her husband came home from work he found her spread eagle on the bed wearing them. Pointing to her minge she says to him "How do you fancy eating this?"

"No feckin' way" he says "Look what it's done to your pants!"

[Starko]

ROFL

Miss Jones had just gotten her teaching degree in Elementary Ed. and started her first year teaching a class of second graders. On the first day of school she placed a chair beside her desk and informed the class that anyone who ever had a 'special' question could come up during study time and discuss it with her. Of course no one ever did until....

Near the end of April little Sally sauntered up and plopped into the chair...

"Can I really ask you anything?" she began. "Of course" replied Miss Jones.

"Well teach, I was wondering if my Mom could still have a baby." A bit taken aback but not wanting to seem so, Miss Jones quickly responded "Well that depends. How old is your mother?"

Oh, she's about 30 I think."

"Well then, yes your mom could still have a baby."

'How about my Aunt Jean?"

"Well how old is she?"

"Oh about 35, I think"

"Yes, then she too could still have a baby."

"How about my Grandma, she's about a hundred."

Miss Jones chuckled and replied "No dear, I don't think your Grandmother could still have a baby."

Sally cocked her head slightly and looked up at Miss Jones and asked...

"How about me, could I have a baby? I'm about seven."

Somewhat shocked the teacher said, "No Sally, you can't have a baby."

Just then little Johnny, in the back of the room, wiped his arm across his forehead and let a sigh of relief!

[leadballoon]

Three dogs are at the vet's they ask the first why he's there,
"Well I keep on burying things, slippers, the remote, anything I can get hold of so my owners think that if I get neutered it will stop me doing it."
The second dog says,
"I'm getting neutered because I keep on chewing things, when I chewed up the leather sofa that was the last straw.
The third dog says,
"I keep on humping things, pillows, visitor's legs, anything. Yesterday my mistress came out of the shower and when she bent down to pick up a towel I couldn't help but hump her."
"Wow" say the other dogs, "No wonder you're getting neutered."
"Neutered? I'm getting my nails cut"

[Agi'nor]

1st Affair

A married man was having an affair with his secretary.
One day they went to her place and made love all afternoon.

Exhausted, they fell asleep and woke up at 8 PM .
The man hurriedly dressed and told his lover to take his shoes outside and rub them in the grass and dirt.

He put on his shoes and drove home.


"Where have you been?" his wife demanded.

"I can't lie to you," he replied,

"I'm having an affair with my secretary.We had sex all afternoon."

She looked down at his shoes and said:

"You lying ba**ard! You've been playing golf!"

The 2nd Affair

A middle-aged couple had two beautiful daughters but always talked about having a son. They decided to try one last time for the son they always wanted.

The wife got pregnant and delivered a healthy baby boy.
The joyful father rushed to the nursery to see his new son.

He was horrified at the ugliest child he had ever seen.
He told his wife:
"There's no way I can be the father of this baby.
Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered!
Have you been fooling around behind my back?"


The wife smiled sweetly and replied:


"Not this time!"



The 3rd Affair

A mortician was working late one night. He examined the body of Mr. Schwartz, about to be cremated, and made a startling discovery.

Schwartz had the largest private part he had ever seen!

"I'm sorry Mr. Schwartz," the mortician commented, "I can't allow you to be cremated with such an impressive private part. It must be saved for posterity."

So, he removed it,stuffed it into his briefcase, and took it home


"I have something to show you won't believe," he said to his wife, opening his briefcase.

"My God!" the wife exclaimed,


"Schwartz is dead!"





The 4th Affair

A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening the front door.


"Hurry," she said, "stand in the corner.She rubbed baby oil all over him,then dusted him with talcum powder.


"Don't move until I tell you," she said,

" pretend you're a statue."


"What's this?" the husband inquired as he entered the room.

"Oh it's a statue," she replied,

"the Smiths bought one and I liked it so I got one for us, too."

No more was said, not even when they went to bed.

Around 2 AM the husband got up, went to the kitchen and returned with a sandwich and a beer.

"Here," he said to the statue, have this. I stood like that for two days at the Smiths and nobody offered me a damned thing."





The 5th Affair

A man walked into a cafe,
went to the bar and ordered a beer.
"Certainly, Sir , that'll be one penny."
"A penny?" the man exclaimed.
He glanced at the menu and asked:
"How much for a nice juicy steak
and a bottle of wine?"
"10 pence," the barman replied.
"10 pence?" exclaimed the man.
"Where's the guy who owns this place?"
The bartender replied:
"Upstairs, with my wife."
The man asked: "What's he doing upstairs
with your wife?"
The bartender replied:
"The same thing
I'm doing to his business down here."

The 6th Affair

Jake was dying. His wife sat at the bedside.
He looked up and said weakly:
"I have something I must confess."
"There's no need to, " his wife replied.
>"No," he insisted,
"I want to die in peace.
I slept with your sister, your best friend,
her best friend, and your mother!"
"I know," she replied,
" now just rest
and let the poison work."

[Starko]

I've never understood why women love cats.

Cats are independent, they don't listen, they don't come in when you call, they like to stay out all night, and when they're home they like to be left alone and sleep.

In other words, every quality that women hate in a man, they love in a cat.

[AndersoN]

What did the Nazis get after they installed tanning beds in Auschwitz?

Concentrated orange Jews.



What does a ginger miss most about parties?

The invitation.




What's the difference between Heath Ledger and a bottle opener?

A bottle opener only pops one at a time.




Gordon Brown goes to the doctors and says, "Doctor doctor, every time I look in the mirror I get aroused."

The doctor replies, "I'm not surprised...you're a cunt."


add more jokes...

[AndersoN]

Liverpool airport has been shut for the past 8 hours due to a "suspicious car". Apparently it had tax, insurance and the radio was still in it.




Why did the five American soldiers cross the road?

The car-bomb didn`t give the cunts much choice...




A husband and wife are shopping in their local Tesco, when the husband picks up a crate of Stella and puts it in their trolley.
"What do you think you're doing?", asks his wife.
"They're on offer, only £10 for twelve cans," he replies.
"Put them back, we can't afford them," demands his wife and so they carry on shopping. A few aisles further along, the woman picks up a £20 jar of face cream and sticks it into the trolley.
"What do you think you're doing?" asks the husband.
"It's my face cream. It makes me look beautiful," replies his wife.
Her husband retorts, "SO DOES TWELVE CANS OF STELLA - AND IT'S HALF THE FUCKING PRICE!!"





Middle aged woman looks in the mirror. "God I look old, fat and ugly." She says to her hubby "Pay me a compliment dear."

Hubby says, "Your fucking eyesight's good!"

[tomcat]

http://www.euro-chimaera.co.uk/forum/showthread.php?t=9&highlight=joke&page=2

[Starko]

At the end of the tax year, the Tax Office sent an inspector to audit the books of a synagogue.

While he was checking the books, he turned to the Rabbi and said, "I notice you buy a lot of candles. What do you do with the candle drippings?"

"Good question," noted the Rabbi. "We save them up and send them to the candle makers, and every now and then they send us a free box of candles."

"Oh," replied the auditor, somewhat disappointed that his unusual question had a practical answer.

But on he went, in his obnoxious way: "What about all these biscuit purchases? What do you do with the crumbs?"

"Ah, yes," replied the Rabbi, realizing that the inspector was trying to trap him with an unanswerable question. "We collect them and send them back to the manufacturers, and every now and then they send a free box of holy biscuits."

"I see," replied the auditor, thinking hard about how he could fluster the know-it-all Rabbi.

"Well, Rabbi," he went on, "What do you do with all the leftover foreskins from the circumcisions you perform?"

"Here, too, we do not waste," answered the Rabbi. "What we do is save up all the foreskins and send them to the Tax Office, and about once a year they send us a complete dick."

[decanus]

loving this thread, you guys coming up with these or stealing them from sites?

The Truth about Sponge Bob Square Pants
you see spoge bob is a tampon, that lives at the bikini bottom with mister crabs

[Starko]

bit of both.

[tomcat]

make it sticky

[decanus]

/sign, i agree with that.

[Starko]

Last week was my birthday and I didn`t feel very well waking up on that morning. I went downstairs for breakfast hoping my wife would be pleasant and say, "Happy Birthday!", and possibly have a small present for me. As it turned out, she barely said good morning, let alone "Happy Birthday." I thought... Well, that`s marriage for you, but the kids... They will remember. My kids came bounding down stairs to breakfast and didn`t say a word. So when I left for the office, I felt pretty low and somewhat despondent.

As I walked into my office, my secretary Jane said, "Good Morning Boss, and by the way Happy Birthday!" It felt a little better that at least someone had remembered. I worked until one o`clock, when Jane knocked on my door and said, "You know, It`s such a beautiful day outside, and it is your Birthday, what do you say we go out to lunch, just you and me." I said, "Thanks, Jane, that`s the greatest thing I`ve heard all day. Let`s go!" We went to lunch. But we didn`t go where we normally would go. She chose instead a quiet bistro with a private table. We had two Martinis each and I enjoyed the meal tremendously. On the way back to the office, Jane said, "You know, It`s such a beautiful day... We don`t need to go straight back to the office, do we?" I responded, "I guess not. What do you have in mind?" She said, "Let`s drop by my apartment, it`s just around the corner." After arriving at her apartment, Jane turned to me and said, "Boss, if you don`t mind, I`m going to step into the bedroom for just a moment. I`ll be right back." "Ok," I nervously replied. She went into the bedroom and, after a couple of minutes, she came out carrying a huge birthday cake. Followed by my wife, my kids, and dozens of my friends and co-workers, all singing "Happy birthday". And I just sat there... On the couch... Sobbing... Naked... and erect.

[Agi'nor]

A soldier ran up to a nun.

Out of breath he asked, "Please, may I hide under your skirt. I'll explain later."

The nun agreed.
A moment later two Military Police ran up and asked, Sister, have you seen a soldier?"

The nun replied, "He went that way."

After the MP's ran off, the soldier crawled out from under her skirt and said, "I can't thank you enough Sister.

You see, I don't want to go to Iraq."

The nun said, "I understand completely."

The soldier added, "I hope I'm not rude, but you have a great pair of legs!"

The nun replied, "If you had looked a little higher, you would have seen a great pair of balls.

I don't want to go to Iraq either."

[podge]

in this moment of mourning... can I respectfully ask all of Chimaera to stand up and offer a big hand to Jeremy Beadle.

[Firo]

in this moment of mourning... can I respectfully ask all of Chimaera to stand up and offer a big hand to Jeremy Beadle.

I've watched spaceballs 3 times this week just because of your cunting sig :p

[podge]

I've watched spaceballs 3 times this week just because of your cunting sig :p

there's something wrong with you then... i've watched big-titted lesbian pr0n and played PotBS because of my cunting sig

[Firo]

there's something wrong with you then... i've watched big-titted lesbian pr0n and played PotBS because of my cunting sig

Who says I wasn't doing all 3 of those things at the same time? there is a reason why I have 3 screens! :p

[podge]

point taken... though i don't believe you were doing that... i think it was just spaceballs

[Starko]

Doctor Dave had slept with one of his patients and felt guilty all day long. No matter how much he tried to forget about it, he just couldn't. The guilt and sense of betrayal was overwhelming. But every once in a while he'd hear an internal, reassuring voice in his head that said: "Dave, don't worry about it. You aren't the first medical practitioner to sleep with one of their patients, and you won't be the last. And you're single. Just let it go, Dave." But invariably another voice in his head would bring him back to reality, whispering: "Dave..... Dave..... Dave, you sick b@stard You're a vet."

---

on a side note...i thought this was meant to be the comedy spot...not a spam to fuck thread (like all the others)

[Firo]

all threads are spam to fuck threads, that's just euro-chim

[Sabas]

Jesus Hung (http://brad.pettifogging.com/d/1556-5/jesus_hung.png)


Just another bit of truth out is all.

[Agi'nor]

Two statues in a park minding there own business all of a sudden a angel comes down from heaven and brings the statues to life.

The angel says to the statues you have 30 minutes to do anything you want to.

The 2 statues look at each other and smile. They jump behind the hedge. The angle notices the hedge rustling madly.

After 15 minutes the 2 statues come wondering from the other side of the hedge, exhausted but with a smile of content on their faces.

The angel says to them you still have 15 minutes left to do anything that you ever wanted to do.

The one statue looks at the other statue and says this time I'll hold the pigeon and you shit on him.

[Starko]

Ten best things to say if you get caught sleeping at your desk

10. "They told me at the blood bank this might happen."

9. "This is just a 15 minute power nap like they raved about in that time management course you sent me to."

8. "Whew! Guess I left the top off the white out. You probably got here just in time."

7. "I wasn`t sleeping, I was meditating on the mission statement and envisioning a new paradigm."

6. "I was testing my keyboard for drool resistance."

5. "I was doing a highly specific Yoga exercise to relieve work-related stress. Do you discriminate against people who practice Yoga?"

4. "Why did you interrupt me? I had almost figured out a solution to our biggest problem."

3. "The coffee machine is broken."

2. "Someone must have put decaf in the wrong pot."

1. " ... in God`s name, Amen."

[Marc]

a jew walks into a bank... de dum dum tish

[Stevewoodley64]

Old but Classic!

So a man and his son are walking in the park after around 10 minutes they stumble upon 2 dogs haveing sex, Boy says "dad what are they doing?" Dad Replies "well there trying to make a little puppy son," oh ok dad and they stroll off home.

That night the boy walks into his mum and dads room only to find them at it, the boy screams what are you doing then dad replies "well son you know today in the park we saw them dogs trying to make a little pyppy?

Yes

Well me and your mum are trying for a little baby, then your have a tiny little brother to look play with and look after.

Oh the boy says, well can you turn mum over i'll rather have a puppy!

:rolleyes:

[Hicks1986]

Knock Knock

[Agi'nor]

whos there

[Starko]

boo

[Hicks1986]

Kill...

[Reave]

Why did the Monkey fall out of the tree?

Because it was dead.

---

Why did the orange fall of the swing?

Because it has no arms.

---

Why did the baby stop crying?

Because it's dad killed it.

---

What's the difference between a nun and a prostetute?

Lots of things.

---

What happened to the man with no arms or legs?

He led a miserable life.

[Starko]

I was wondering if anyone else has the new 2009 Jade Goody calendar?

My mum gave me one at Christmas, but it only goes up until March - I think something is wrong.

Should I return it?

[Wirewraith]

I was wondering if anyone else has the new 2009 Jade Goody calendar?

My mum gave me one at Christmas, but it only goes up until March - I think something is wrong.

Should I return it?


Heh, if there was ever a joke that was too soon...

[Starko]

it only gets worse.

"Why does Jade goody like foursomes?

Because when only one guy is shagging her, she still has room for tumour"

[-MAGIC-]

it only gets worse.

"Why does Jade goody like foursomes?

Because when only one guy is shagging her, she still has room for tumour"

I tried not too but that is funny in a wrong way.

[Marc]

whats the difference between jade goody and wendy richards? i'd still fuck wendy richards.

[podge]

whats the difference between jade goody and wendy richards? i'd still fuck wendy richards.

talk about desperation :P

[Marc]

whats the difference between jade goody and a durracell battery? the battery lasts longer, alot longer...

i say - boy george got let out early - oh wait...

i wonder how many people sturggled not to laugh when jack tweed said "till death do us part"?

[podge]

i wonder if they altered the "in sickness and in health" bit

[Marc]

tbf shes never been that healthy especially mentally...

[Starko]

tbh, the only people i feel even kinda sorry for are her kids - i mean, the fuckers never had a chance...

[tomcat]

paddy asks murphy "why do scuba divers fall off the boat backwards"? to which murphy replies,,"you thick twat paddy" if they fell forwards ,they'd still be on the damn boat.:p

[podge]

LOLZ tbh

http://news.bbc.co.uk/newsbeat/hi/newsbeat/newsid_7961000/7961224.stm